Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The real Kogel Mogel

Yes. This is happening.

How can I be more like this dude "Vitas" in every way? I mean every way. I'm sold after four minutes. I haven't been this jealous of a foreign-born artist since the Macarron Chacarron. Sign me up for the full Vitas package. I'm going to start by finding that suit (I know where they sell them), drinking a shit ton of Becherovka (that sounds kinda Russian), and then screaming my lungs out with a creepy smirk on my face.

It's that time of year again, folks. The time to reset the soul clocks with some cold weather, some even colder water, some cold friends, and some cold, obscure beverages. Might as well get started on those semi-delicious liqueurs, because with the Indianapolis Becherovkas at 13 - 0, you know you've got some in your future anyhow (Thank god the Ballsalina "Entire bottle of Becherovkas" have already been eliminated from playoff contention).

As I've often said, I wish Christmas ended with the OB Christmas Parade. Can you imagine? The carols and the sales and the MOTHERFUCKING JEWELRY COMERCIALS slowly start to wear on you throughout November, but you soldier through and have a tasty Thanksgiving meal with family and/or friends. Then one week later, you have about 4500 calories worth of cocoa and irish cream in my front yard, we go watch a kooky parade, Sketchie signs us all into the local VFW afterwards, and everybody has a holly, jolly Christmas time with the vets all night.

And then it ends.

Jane Seymour shoves her open-heart jewelry up that deaf couple's ass, Santa goes on vacation early, and we all start gearing up for New Year's Eve in four weeks. New Year's Eve becomes even more spectacular because we're fresh and we've got forever to prepare, instead of one exhausted week after Christmas as it stands now. Call me a Grinch if you want, but that would be my ideal world.

Well, that and a world where Jake Locker returns for his senior year as a Husky.

At least I have the delicious combination of egg yolks, heavy cream, high fruck-tose corn syrup, nutmeg and brandy to help me get through it all. Who the fuck thought of drinking that? And then calling it that?

Wikipedia... ?

The British. Not the commoners, who never saw a glass of milk again after they were weaned, but the rich people who could afford eggs and dairy products. The name is either from "Egg in the Noggin" - the noggin being a wooden bowl used to serve booze- or "Eggs n' Grog" - grog being the pirate term for booze. As it turns out, almost every culture has a drink made from eggs and booze - invented before or after egg nog, who knows or cares. I knew about delicious, delicious Rompope from my time in Mexico, but I didn't know about the "Kogel Mogel" or all the rest.

First off, what is the official booze that goes in egg nog? The consensus seems to be brandy. But when the silly Brits started taxing brandy we colonists started using rum garnered through the "Triangular Trade". If I remember correctly, the triangle trade is a happy, geometric way of saying "slave trade" without using the word "slave". How did it work again? We got rum, and Africans, and the Caribbean got ... um cotton? And Europe got sugar? And Africa got ... rid of their rivals? Wait now we have a square. I don't remember. It's Christmas time, no time for slavery talk.

(By the way - that is not Vitas playing a car alarm solo. That is Vitas playing a voice solo.)

Where was I?

History. So Rum it was, until the triangle got lopped off by the revolutionary war. Then we switched to whiskey. In the end, it seems you can put any sort of booze in there and it's pretty good. Let's take a tour, shall we?

Kogel Mogel? It's the Yiddish version. The kind Vitas drinks (when no one is looking) to prepare to use his voice to free someone that might be trapped inside something made of glass. Egg yolk, sugar and Vodka.

Eierpunsch is fun to say. It sounds gross to drink, though. Native to Germany, the Eierpunsch is not, apparently, a disgusting internet video / live sex show phenomenon. It is instead approximately:

1 bottle of white wine
8 egg yolks
7 tablespoons of sugar
1 tsp vanilla extract
Pinch of cinnamon
4 cloves
250ml of strong tea
lemon juice

Just as disgusting as when I thought it was a deviant sexual fetish. When I said "you can put any sort of booze in there" I didn't mean white wine. I say we avoid this one, unless we want to surprise a wife or girlfriend with a good ol' fashioned Eierpunsch from behind on a romantical wintry eve. I couldn't afford a diamond heart inside another diamond heart, my sweet little Kogel Mogel, but here's some fucking lemon tea / wine / egg yolk shit I discovered on wikipedia. Every Eierpunsch begins with a little Eierlikör beforehand.

Advocaat. Two A's in a row? And it was invented by Dutch people living in South America? I'm already excited. Advocaat, as the name suggests, was apparently an avocado liqueur. Except back in what ever the hell part of Europe Dutch people come from, there weren't any avocados. So they made it with ... drum roll please ... egg yolks. That story sounds completely made up to me. But I don't care. I'm going to find me some Advocaat this Christmas if it's the last thing I ... what's that? ... Oh. O.K. Great.

I could go on and on. There's Coquito (de Puerto Rico!), Ponche Crema (the Venezuelan heavy-weight challenger to Eierpunsch), and Zabaglione (go ahead, guess what boot-shaped country belongs to that eggy concoction).

It seems the whole world, except those tiny continents of Africa and Asia, can't get enough of yolks, milk, sugar and alcohol. Drink up, my Indo-European friends, and then refill your cup. To Christmas! And more accurately, to your health!


  1. A classic post with a lovely background theme of Holly. Glad you went PG-13 with it, leaving out:

    Holly Madison
    Holly Valence
    Hollly Weber
    Holly Hunter
    Holly Montag (Yes, IT has a sister....scary)

  2. Holly Madison is like 19 of the first 20 hits when you google-image just the word "holly". But I wouldn't have known her name so I didn't think she made the top six Hollies. Holly Hunter is in there, though, it's a recent picture and she doesn't have her cop uniform on so you may not recognize her. Holly Montag was clearly an oversight, however. Actual plant Holly - you've been bumped off the list.

  3. Wow...Vitas...mesmerizing, I love him, too.